30DC-18 – A picture of your biggest insecurity.

So here I am with the next in the occasional series also known as the 30 Day Challenge/

By coincidence today is also National Grammar Day so I shall perpetrate as many errors as possible in this post.

So, to the business at hand!

Being one giant bundle of insecurity means that I have quite the problem in deciding how to approach this response. In general I might describe myself as insecure, but without identifying the root cause or, indeed, the specific area of life in which I feel particularly insecure. I suppose I am particularly insecure about classroom situations (this is amusing from a School Governor!). I had a very traumatic time at secondary school and so whenever i am asked to evidence learning (as we say nowadays, meaning “answer the question”) I literally panic. And I do literally mean “literally”; my heartbeat increases, I sweat and if left too long, will burst into tears. This can be a little embarrassing in group situations.

The way my school worked was that there was a very high expectation on students to succeed academically (at least, for those of us in the A stream; the B stream students were generally ignored or disparaged by both staff and A stream students). In class, marks would be read out, and the general rule was: A is good; B is acceptable, but B- or less is a FAIL. In modern parlance, B- would be an epic fail. Achieving G- resulted in being stood in front of the class and harangued, often until you cried. It’s one reason I am not keen on independent schools – standards can be absolutely barbaric.

Strangely enough this has resulted in my not enjoying achieving less than an A grad or equivalent. I feel slightly queasy with qualifications which issue a Pass/Fail. Even the Pass feels uncomfortably like a poor grade.

And as a result of all that I put myself under huge pressure to achieve top marks all the time and never feel it is enough. For example, I got 49/50 on a Foundation exam for a work qualification, and am still niggling over the one I got wrong. Most recently I did another Foundation for a related qualification, and only got 45/50. I am in genuine fear of the results of the Practitioner exam due in a couple of weeks.

Bizarrely I love learning new stuff though. I am loving my course in Old English right now, although opening the envelope with the marked work is difficult. Suppose I have completely messed up? Suppose I misunderstood how to manage subjunctive clauses? I put off opening the last one for over a week because I was not confident about having done well enough.

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