What if…

What if I could fly? What if I could win the lottery? What if I could write?

Of those three things, which would I rather do?

I asked myself today the third, because I am aware NaNoWriMo is almost upon us, and I actually have a coherent idea and I would quite like to give it a try. Then the voices started (not in a schizophrenic way, you understand, the Other voices).

Who would want to read it? It will be terrible. There isn’t time to do it because of all the other Stuff. You aren’t a good writer. You aren’t even any king of writer. You just post occasional random blogs and have this crazy story in outline which is boring and derivative.

After that it can get much darker, unless I call time on comments. It turns out I have trolls living in my brain, Yeuch!

So I thought of other stuff I can’t  / don’t (currently) do. I wrote down the first three things that came into my head and then I thought – which is most important?

Let me put it this way: the lottery is just there to make up the Rule of Three. I’m not really interested. I don’t buy lottery tickets, and my life’s ambition is not to have more money than I can manage while retaining my sanity, my friends and my boring. but basically self-chosen. life.

Flying: that would be fun. But it looks like I have set up a Straw Man, because I don’t think it is likely that technology or medicine will allow me to fly during my lifetime. I could take up hang-gliding I suppose, but that isn’t what I meant when I said “Fly!”. I meant with wings and without machines, proper flying.

Which leads me back to writing. It’s certainly feasible to put words to keyboard. I have done it on many occasions. So a big tick for “possible”. Not only possible, it’s interesting to me; I have a story outline and a blog. The pre-requisites are there. So that’s another tick. In previous years I have avoided the problem because the story outline just wasn’t there. Not this year, oh no. This year it’s all perturbation and gnashing of teeth.

What are the obstacles then? It seems I live my life by fear. It’s easy to come up with excuses.

What if I make a fool of myself? What if it’s no good? What if I don’t manage it?

It’s strange how I let myself get into this vicious circle of negativity. At work I need to motivate my staff and develop the team and encourage them to achieve new and better things. I feel I do it, and they often tell me I do it, and they certainly achieve new and better things, so something is working.

Then I come home and tell myself I’m no use and can’t do anything and to stop even thinking about it because it’s plainly ridiculous. Apparently I don’t deserve the encouragement and attention that I give others.

Well, yah boo! I think I will have a go. I doubt I’ll post much here – that would be a step too far right now. And I doubt I’ll manage it in a month, but if it gets me on the way, then it’s all good. No one dies if I miss the deadline, you know. Really, I’m not sure why you are all making such a fuss.

[Exit left, buoyed up and ready to write!]

 

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