How long we live, how long we take to die

One of my hobbies is researching my family tree. I’ve been at it since I first saw some old sepia photos of forebears when I was a teenager and my Dad was looking for something in a cluttered bureau. For once he was willing to talk about his family history and I scribbled names on the back with a pencil in my flowery teen-girl handwriting.

My family came alive to me. The great-uncles who died in the Somme suddenly became faces of real (albeit antique) people, gazing solemnly into a camera. My own grandmother, wrinkled, toothless, crippled by arthritis, was a beautiful young woman in a lacy Victorian blouse. Her fiancée looked like a film star. My very serious uncle was a tiny baby kicking his feet as he lay on a rug. My Dad’s sister who died when she was seven, and whom my grandmother occasionally mistook me for, stood clutching a teenaged Great Aunt Lettie’s knee and looked like just like me.

Lettie with Alf and Winnie Tricker

In this way my family still lives on. I never really knew them. They are my inherited ghosts. But from then Armistice Day did have meaning.

At the going down of the sun and in the morning,

We will remember them

So life goes on, and we all carry our ghosts with us, some more than others, some gladly, some sadly. Yet still they matter.

My dad died very suddenly on 26 September 1992. This week was the 21st anniversary of his death and my mother missed it more utterly than ever before. Even last year she was vaguely aware of it, and I was able to remind her so we had a few moments together remembering that kind and gentle man before her melted brain turned back to the weather as a topic of conversation. Dementia robs the person and their family of memories, including memories of those no longer with us.  In this way it exterminates the sufferer and their family line. There is a Maori concept of whakapapa which relates to the identity of a person as part of a cultural heritage, and I feel that remembering our predecessors is important to us in a similar way.

I remember my Dad. I have stories about him, some buried in this very blog, which I tell my children. He died the weekend I went home to visit and tell him about his latest grandchild, due to be born the following Spring, He was so happy with the news, but still he died a few hours later, after he got home from work and before my mother and I got back from a concert. It was unexpected.

Twenty one years is a long time. The grandchild is now at university. His wife is fading slowly and excruciatingly.  His only daughter is still misses him on a daily basis. It feels like he is in the next room, or about to phone. We were very close, and in a sense still are. He has been dying for twenty one years, in a sense, and will not completely pass away until I, and possibly the children, can no longer remember him.

What will become of more modern generations? How long will my blog be archived after I am no longer around updating it? I’ll be a wispy little ghost in the machineries of the Web. Every now and then my shade will whisper to you…


8 thoughts on “How long we live, how long we take to die

  1. Thank you for sharing your story. My dad passed away six months ago. It was expected, and a blessing when it came. But that doesn’t entirely take away the pain. I hold onto my faith that his spirit still lives in another place and the hope of being with him again. I can’t imagine if it were sudden and unexpected. You wrote about it beautifully, my heart hurt for you. I hope you are able to find peace and hope.

    • thank you for leaving your message
      Missing Dad is a constant thing but I have very happy memories of him and in a way it meant we didn’t have to go through long illness or suffering with him
      Take care

    • I know, it’s a comfort really
      We are made up of parts of other people in a way – taking their thoughts and ideas into our selves and making them part of us

  2. I believe when we look into the family history we bring those people to life in a way, because they touch our lives – it may be a feather-light touch, but we feel it.
    Their efforts and experiences shaped our own, and to me it seems right to honour that in some way.

  3. I was fifteen when my father died. I am 62 now. Hardly a day goes by when I don’t think about him. He is the yard stick I use to measure everyone I have met. He also is the reason I went into genealogy. He would never talk about his family. I only met one aunt from his side of the family, when she came for a two day visit. The more I researched his family and found out their story the more my father grew. I believe that the good fathers like yours we never forget as they are so much a part of us. Enjoyed your post very much and it has afforded me the pleasure of thoughts about my own dad.

    • Thanks for your message
      My dad`s family never talked about their background much either so anything I do find out is a revelation

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