Today I was a Rainbow

OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERAToday I had to go into town. It’s not a simple job, as I rely on the bus and they only come once an hour, except for some which only come once every two hours. It’s a ticklish matter to get appointments lined up so you can make the round journey in less than half a day.

I had to go to the nurses’ to have a blood test and I had a half hour window to get the jab then back to the bus station, otherwise it was a two and a bit hour’s wait.

It is fair to say I was a little tense about timings. Being a little tense about catching buses is my only excuse. It’s not much but it’s all I’ve got and I’m sticking to it.

Because I went out dressed like a clown whose clothes have melted in the hot wash.

I hadn’t quite realised when I got dressed this morning what I was putting on. This is not unusual, and in fact may be indicative of my suitability for working in IT. In fact, let’s say it is, and not worry about stereo-typing. It is certainly why I like to wear a suit. No worrying about what to put with what. I just find a shirt to go with it, and as my suits are pretty much either black or grey I am rarely challenged.

I may also have mentioned before that I am a little poor at identifying colour. I only recently found out that orange is in fact red. God knows what this thing called “orange” is. It may be yellow, but that still leaves me with a problem.


Indoors was fine as I had my jade jeans with a purple t-shirt and pink jumper. It kind of works. Sigoth tells me so, and he is good at colour what with being artistic and all that. He can draw things people recognise, and make art and paint.

But then to go out I put on my purple DMs with yellow laces, my scarlet coat and orange scarf and hat. In such elegant attire I sauntered to the bus stop.

On the bus I noticed that I appeared to wearing every colour in the rainbow. Oh, right, except blue.

But it was OK because my socks had blue heels.

So today I was a rainbow, albeit in disguise because no one saw my socks.

And the best thing about being EBL is that I don’t actually care whether I clashed or was cool. (I suspect the former.)

I can assure you I am not a little ray of sunshine at the best of times, but at least I can make the world a brighter place in my own, slightly warped, way.

There was some offensive fund-raising campaign recently where women were sponsored not to wear make-up for a whole day It was supposed to be really daring. Obviously I couldn’t take part as I never wear the damn stuff. And in any case – how rude! There’s far too much concern about how women look and dress.

So I think I’ll be a rainbow more often, and if anyone says anything to me, I’ll explain to them about the glories of creation and the miracle of rods and cones. And they will back away slowly while keeping eye contact so as not to provoke the crazy Bag Lady.




Why things fall down, not up.

I had another story turn up – like buses really. So for want of anything better to do I though I would post it here. Without further ado I present:

Why things fall down, not up.

In the olden days in Heaven everything had its place, according to the will of the gods. And the same was true in the human world. Trees grew from earth to sky because the earth cherished their roots and the sun loved their branches. Water flowed from the mountains to the seas, because the rock adored the youthful rising spring and the sea drank down the old rivers, which were full of stories and history, to fill its huge emptiness.

There was, however, a problem with rainbows. Everything in Heaven and on earth longed to hold a rainbow. Rainbows are brightest when the sun and the rain both fight to hold them. As a result, rainbows were being waved about in a most dangerous fashion and the sun and the rain were in constant argument, producing an uncomfortably humid atmosphere in the home of the gods. The last straw came when Uncle Odin was prodded in the face by the sharpened end of a rainbow and lost the use of an eye.

The Mother of the gods decided she needed to have a family conference. Heaven existed in a state of chaotic balance, as the gods all competed to be the brightest and the best, but the constant rows were upsetting the equilibrium. The family was duly summoned to the breakfast table, where all the important decisions in Heaven were made.

Mother fixed her brood with a frown.

“This situation is unacceptable,” she announced. “We need to decide who will manage rainbows from now on. This squabbling has to stop.”

“They are patently the work of the sun,” said Dawn brightly, “which is my responsibility.” She folded her arms and sat back.

“I think the clue is in the name, actually,” said Storm. “Without my raindrops nothing happens. I’ll take it from here, sis.” And he sat back with a self-satisfied rumble.

Mother sighed heavily. “OK, two bids so far. Anyone else?”

Everyone raised a limb, or otherwise indicated a keen interest. Humans liked rainbows a great deal, and whoever was in charge would earn a great deal in ambrosia bonuses.

Mother raised an eyebrow. ”Well, this won’t do. I don’t have time to sit here listening to all your feeble arguments.” She sat quietly for a moment, thinking.

Everyone looked worried. Mother was always worrying when she was quiet.

“I think we’ll let the humans choose,” she announced after a significant pause. “By themselves,” she added before anyone could recover sufficiently to protest.

“I myself will interview some key humans and see which of you is best placed to meet the requirements of the position. And also to make sure no one cheats. I’ll be in touch. Meeting adjourned.”

Mother vanished on her quest, leaving her children dumbfounded. Given the number of human beliefs regarding rainbows, it looked like she wouldn’t be back for a while, so everyone felt it was time to start on the croissants and gossip.

Several days passed before Mother made her return and summoned everyone back to the table. She had a thick sheaf of notes as an aide-memoire.

“In summary,” she said, “there are quite a few views among humans as to the purpose of rainbows, most of which are quite positive. I was pleased to note that none of them were correct – it’s always good to keep some mysteries to ourselves!”

Everyone smiled and nodded. Mysteries were certainly no use if the humans worked them out.

“Apparently the rainbow may be a message from us to humans, promising not to flood the earth,” Mother continued. “Although why we would want to do that I can’t imagine. Or it might be a means of goddesses in bright frocks carrying messages…some humans get so muddled. One lot even think it’s a bridge up to Heaven for dead warriors – but they also seem to think that we will lose the battle at the end of the world, so we’ll not dwell on that too much!”

The children all chuckled, and Uncle Odin looked a bit embarrassed.

“On the other side of the world,” Mother continued, “humans seem to think that the rainbow is a serpent which created the world.”

There were a number of guffaws from the younger element among the gods at this point. Mother frowned.

“Don’t get too carried away,” she said sternly. “I also came across a very odd little man called Isaac who has found a way to make his own rainbows by slicing up sunlight.”

Dawn looked distressed. “He’s doing what?” she cried. “I can’t have that – my poor sun will end up a shadow of his former self!”

“Don’t worry dear,” Mother replied. “He can only make little ones and I don’t think people generally want little rainbows – they like them full-sized.”

The notion of humans creating their own rainbows had sobered the gods somewhat. After all, making rainbows might lead to making other things, like snowflakes and kittens, and then where would the world be?

“But finally,” Mother explained to the hushed family, “I’ve learned that humans believe rainbows are something to cherish and that their beauty illustrates hope after darkness and storms. “

“There is one of you I can think of best placed to care for something so precious…” she concluded.

Everyone held their breath in anticipation.

“…Pandora, dear, I have a little something for you to keep safe. But just to give you a hand, I picked up a useful trick from Isaac.” And she passed a heavy bag to the astonished Pandora.

“He calls it gravity – stick some on each end of your rainbows, dear. Else you’ll have someone’s eye out with them. And Uncle Odin can’t afford to lose another one.”

And Pandora did just that, but being a little clumsy by nature, she let quite a lot of the gravity get out and it has been troubling the world ever since.